When Sinners Say "I Do"

At the recommendation from some friends, I recently read When Sinners Say "I Do": Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage by Dave Harvey.

The summary position of the book is that the biggest problem in your marriage is sin - and most importantly, your sin. Harvey says that before you can really work on the relational issues, you first have to admit you are a sinner, a big one. His thesis reminds me of something I heard in college, and that is:

How you think about God,

affects everything...

about everything.

It sounds at first like an overstatement, but the longer I live the more this rings true. Even if you don't think God is connected to some areas of your life and consequently, don't think about Him, even that has an effect. Harvey connects with this thought by saying, "Your theology governs your entire life, and it determines how you live in your marriage" (21). And since God invented marriage, and it is a reflection of His union with His church (Ephesians 5:31-32), then He really, really cares about marriage.

What I appreciated the most about the book, was how his points about the marriage relationship, are very applicable to any relationship. When Harvey reminds me that the biggest barrier to communication in my marriage is my own sin, I also realize that the biggest barrier to communication to my daughter is my own sin. It is very easy to point the finger at another person and treat them in direct and indirect ways as though he or she is the biggest sinner. But Harvey reminds us of 1 Timothy 1:15:

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst."

To be specific on how this relates to me in ways other than my marriage: Evangeline is not a bigger sinner than I am, but since I am the wise and all-knowing parent, sometimes I treat her like that. If I take an honest look at myself, however, I will see that I am the biggest sinner in the house. Harvey asks each person in the relationship to fully own his or her sin, grasp how ugly and dark it is, and taste the sweetness of Christ in spite of our filth.

I found the first half of the book to be an easy-to-follow description of the role of sin in relationship, it's origin, and it's cure. He calls us to mercy toward our spouses. He describes forgiveness and the complicated nature of it. He calls for careful, humble rebuke as we help our spouse attack the sin in his life. Illustrating the necessity of this work, he says, "If we avoid confrontation, we'll just get confrontation anyway, because sin unaddressed is sin unconfined" (127). This is a good reminder to me who likes to avoid, avoid, and avoid. All of these things are true and apply to how I relate to my daughter as well as my husband. (Can you tell which relationship is more challenging me to me right now? Even those whom I love with all my heart are subject to the sin in my heart {Luke 6:45} and therefore our relationship is not perfect.)

My favorite section of the book was the chapter on grace. I felt like this was one of the most understandable chapters on this subject I can remember reading. Harvey means to show how grace works in your spouse, but I found great comfort in hearing that this grace is working in me, too. I was reminded of Galatians 3:3, that if I was saved by grace, I am also growing in that very same grace, not by my pitiful efforts. Sometimes I feel so defeated that I forget the power of the Holy Spirit. But Harvey says, "Titus 2:12 reminds us that spiritual growth is inevitable, not because we are great students, but because grace is an exceptional teacher. That's how grace works. It's the coach who won't quit, the teacher who never clocks out. Grace is persistent to enable us to run the race" (140). How wonderful that I am not left alone now!

My favorite point may be this: that grace gives us the power to wait. Harvey says, "one of the core things we do as believers seeking to glorify God, is simply to wait. Our marriages play out in a historical waiting room between Jesus' first coming and his final return" (143). Even more:

"Grace interacts with time and eternity. Sanctifying grace settles our souls so that here in this waiting room we can both work and wait, trusting that God is exercising his perfect will, even in those areas where we wait, and wait, and wait. As persistent sanctifying grace works in our marriages to make us more like Christ, we wait for Christ. He is as glorified in our patient waiting as he is in our diligent working" (144).

So that means that I don't have to be all fixed right this minute. And the sin I see in others, especially my children and my husband, don't have to be fixed right this minute. I can wait. I can wait. I can trust God that His grace will work and is working, whether I can see the changes in myself or not.

Harvey then gives very specific ways to be a conduit of God's grace to your husband, and I would add, also to yourself and your children. It is a terrific list of how to encourage and celebrate the changes you do see, and point your spouse back to Jesus when we lose focus. I found this chapter healing to my little soul who is so apt to forget the gospel.

Overall, I found the book easy to read, full not of revolutionary thought, but excellent reminders of the challenges of sin in relationship and of the power of God to triumph over that sin. May we all seek to glorify God in our marriage relationship.