Today, in our Sunday School class, I heard the question, "What was a time in your life that you really had to believe, just HAD to believe, and trust and it was either in or out for you." A kind of question about a crisis of faith in your life when God would either be real and true and good, or He would be a waste of time. A good question. Pretty probing for a group setting, and I didn't answer at the time. But here is my answer:
There are a number of directions I could go with this.
First, every time I lose my temper and yell at my daughter. I feel terrible after and even during my tirade. She is two. And I am an adult losing control at her. I hate how I feel, how I am teaching her to handle anger so poorly, and I hate that I probably scare her sometimes.
If I did not believe in the gospel of grace, that because of Christ's righteousness, I don't have to earn anything from God, I would be devastated by these episodes every time. I have to believe in the mercy of God that He gives FREELY to His children. I have to believe that my worth before God is not based on my ability to control myself, but only on His perfection that He transfers to me by faith. My melancholy spirit would have me laying in the gutter without faith in the God who is able to love me, not because of myself, but because He wants to love a wretch and bring glory to Himself.
The other answer I have to this question, and the one I thought of first, was when I had a miscarriage. Four years ago yesterday, I had a d&c because our first baby's heart stopped beating. There has never been a worse sound in my ears than the struggling, sputtering heartbeat of that baby during an ultrasound as we waited for the baby to die. And, I'm not sure to this day why God let that happen. I can't imagine ever understanding something like that, and there are many more sufferings in the world that He allows that don't make sense from our perspective. This was just the most personal to me. I spent time just being angry and sad and angry again. I wanted to feel peace and comfort from God, but how was that really going to be possible since He is the one who is the creator and sustainer of heartbeats? Colossians 1:15-17 says, "He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 16For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. 17He is before all things, and in him all things hold together."
But, in the middle of all of that, I heard something in my heart that was only His mercy. I saw for the first time that I didn't need to be rejoicing or even trusting in everything all the time. All He was asking of me was that I stay on the road. Just stay. Don't run away. Just stay put before Him. He would do the rest. He would give me the faith I needed at the moments I needed it, I didn't have to produce it myself. I just had to get up out of bed, and take a step, and He was there the whole time. He also provided me with a husband with more faith than I had or have, and that changed everything too. I could have been under the ground, buried in grief and hopelessness without him.
But that is the time when I would say I HAD to believe. I HAD to just keep going. That was all I was capable of, but it was also all He was asking of me. He never asks more than the faith He provides, but this was my tangible experience of that. His mercy was to let me be angry but just keep going on the path of faith anyway. Where else could I go? He didn't and hasn't answered all of my questions, but He has been the answer, and when I REALLY need it, He really is enough.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Diana tagged me!
Well, I don't know anyone but Diana that reads my blog (all two entries!) besides Kirk, but since she tagged me weeks ago, I will finally respond. Sorry it's taken so long!
6 things that make me happy:
1.Evangeline telling me that she loves me, spontaneously. At breakfast a few days ago she said, "Mama, you're really special. I love you soooo much." Honestly, I'm not sure what is better than that. I want to record it and remember moments like that always, especially when she is throwing a fit, or when she is a teenager.
2. Making Kirk laugh. That only applies if I am trying to make Kirk laugh. If he laughs at me just because I do something stupid, that's not so great, but I like it when he gets my attempts at jokes and usually we have a similar sense of humor. I like it when we can really connect.
3. A clean kitchen. Really, a clean anything in my house. The more chaotic my life is with a toddler, the more I relish the moments of clean, organization.
4. Sweet snacks. Every time I have tried to go without sugar, I have found out how truly dependent on it I am. I need something sweet several times a day. Sweet things are my "happy food" as my mother calls it.
5. The unity of the Bible. Not something that I have seen most of my life, but the more I read and hear about the one big story that God is telling in the Bible, and the more connections I see between the different books and authors, and the extended metaphors from Old to New, the more excited I get about God. He has written His Word so well, and the story is knit together so tightly, that no human could have done it. It is such a testimony to His greatness and makes me more and more able to trust what the Bible says.
6.Taking naps with my cats. My two kitties, Winnie and Emma, are two of my best friends. They are so sweet, and really demand very little from me, which is a nice contrast sometimes!
Those are probably my top six. Now, about tagging six other people. I may have to get back to you on that since no one really knows I have a blog just yet. I keep thinking once I can get more consistent in writting, then maybe I'll tell others. We'll see.... :0)
6 things that make me happy:
1.Evangeline telling me that she loves me, spontaneously. At breakfast a few days ago she said, "Mama, you're really special. I love you soooo much." Honestly, I'm not sure what is better than that. I want to record it and remember moments like that always, especially when she is throwing a fit, or when she is a teenager.
2. Making Kirk laugh. That only applies if I am trying to make Kirk laugh. If he laughs at me just because I do something stupid, that's not so great, but I like it when he gets my attempts at jokes and usually we have a similar sense of humor. I like it when we can really connect.
3. A clean kitchen. Really, a clean anything in my house. The more chaotic my life is with a toddler, the more I relish the moments of clean, organization.
4. Sweet snacks. Every time I have tried to go without sugar, I have found out how truly dependent on it I am. I need something sweet several times a day. Sweet things are my "happy food" as my mother calls it.
5. The unity of the Bible. Not something that I have seen most of my life, but the more I read and hear about the one big story that God is telling in the Bible, and the more connections I see between the different books and authors, and the extended metaphors from Old to New, the more excited I get about God. He has written His Word so well, and the story is knit together so tightly, that no human could have done it. It is such a testimony to His greatness and makes me more and more able to trust what the Bible says.
6.Taking naps with my cats. My two kitties, Winnie and Emma, are two of my best friends. They are so sweet, and really demand very little from me, which is a nice contrast sometimes!
Those are probably my top six. Now, about tagging six other people. I may have to get back to you on that since no one really knows I have a blog just yet. I keep thinking once I can get more consistent in writting, then maybe I'll tell others. We'll see.... :0)
Saturday, October 25, 2008
I have a very compassionate little girl. And I don't know where she gets it. She has always been very concerned with the baby crying when we are in public or the child who is inconsolable at the church nursery. She asks me, "What he cryin' about?" She even goes over to softly, slowly pet the distraught child to bring him comfort.
This compassionate child has just spent the better part of the week with sick parents (allergies, mostly) and she has been an angel. Early Friday morning, Daddy still had a fever, and Evangeline made him "breakfast snacks" and gently laid them on his blankets in the mostly dark den while he struggled to be awake at all. This week, while I was collapsed on the couch in a fog of congestion, she got her doctor kit and took my blood pressure and gave me a "shot" in the head. When I have been sore, she would kiss it and tell me, "OK? Now you are all better." I started having a coughing fit tonight, and she handed my glass of water and told me, "Drink you water to make you stop coughin'. Slow down, Mama, slow down." It's actually hard for her to understand that there are some hurts that a kiss and some toy food wrapped in a sock won't fix.
And I have to be careful not to abuse her sympathetic impulses. After a long battle between us, if I ultimately break down and cry, she immediately stops her own screaming to say, "What's wrong, Mama? It'll be ok, Mama... You OK?" I can't use that sweetness to manipulate her into compliance, and I have to teach her (eventually) not to let others manipulate her this way, either.
What a mercy to have a child that isn't dragging us out of bed when we are sick but wants to cuddle (and watch movies, of course) and help us to feel better. What a sweet mercy.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
A random day in September
I don't know that I have a plan for what this blog will be about. I don't think I ever planned to have a plan. But I am thinking currently of the mercy of God in my life and thought it worth writing about.
On Friday I found myself in an afternoon that was overwhelmingly filled with subtle blessings. I know overwhelming and subtle don't usually go together, but it was a conflagration of small things that pointed me to the remarkable life I have. While Evangeline was napping upstairs, I was busy with several things: cleaning the house to host a small-group book discussion/ice cream party, cooking a meal for a neighbor with a new baby, listening to John Piper on my ipod, and took a phone call from a dear friend who wanted to share about the blessings she felt after Kirk's most recent Sunday school class. I was struck after that phone call how I have the opportunity and privilege to live in Romans 12:1 "in view of God's mercies" and go and be merciful. I don't mean to sound like I feel like I am super-righteous, but I am so grateful for these little opportunities to give: to my neighbor, to our small group, to friends. He has filled me with His mercies, and sometimes...sometimes I can respond as a conduit of His grace toward others. God be praised that He has even led, allowed, enabled, and strengthened me to do that.
On Friday I found myself in an afternoon that was overwhelmingly filled with subtle blessings. I know overwhelming and subtle don't usually go together, but it was a conflagration of small things that pointed me to the remarkable life I have. While Evangeline was napping upstairs, I was busy with several things: cleaning the house to host a small-group book discussion/ice cream party, cooking a meal for a neighbor with a new baby, listening to John Piper on my ipod, and took a phone call from a dear friend who wanted to share about the blessings she felt after Kirk's most recent Sunday school class. I was struck after that phone call how I have the opportunity and privilege to live in Romans 12:1 "in view of God's mercies" and go and be merciful. I don't mean to sound like I feel like I am super-righteous, but I am so grateful for these little opportunities to give: to my neighbor, to our small group, to friends. He has filled me with His mercies, and sometimes...sometimes I can respond as a conduit of His grace toward others. God be praised that He has even led, allowed, enabled, and strengthened me to do that.
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