Golden Locks and a Pure Heart

November 4

Today, after school, I was making lunch and I could hear Evangeline playing around the corner. Then she came to the kitchen and said,

"Hey, Mommy, want to see my hair?"

Now, I was thinking she was going to show me a way she had fixed her hair or put barrettes in it. Nope.

She had cut off her hair and put it in a plastic purse. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me say that again,

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I saw what she had done before seeing what was in the purse. The look of horror on my face was something that I could read in hers. Her happy face fell as I fell to the ground crying, "What did you do? Your hair!!! Why did you cut your hair?"

She said quickly, "But Mommy, I didn't hurt myself with the scissors!"

"I'm glad you didn't hurt yourself with the scissors, but you still should never cut anything but paper."

"But, YOU cut my hair."

"Yes, that's right. I cut your hair. You don't cut your hair."

I kept crying and moaning in shock. She had cut from the front, an inch or two above her ear, almost all the way to the back. It was a one-sided mullet.

"But, Mommy, look, I still have hair," She tried to console me holding the hair on the other side of her head. "I'm sorry, Mommy, it was a bad decision." She wasn't doing this to be disobedient or rebellious. She was playing and thought pieces of hair would be fun to play with. I did the same thing as a little girl. My mom made me get a perm.

She really didn't mind how it looked. All I could think about was how cute her hair used to be, how many hairstyles she can't do now, how long it will be before it grows back, no good fall pictures and probably no good Christmas pictures. I want her to look like my little girl, and not have to correct this problem by making her look like a little boy in a princess dress.

Then I hear myself, later, on a different topic, tell Evangeline about how what she wears is not what is most important. I told her that having a princess dress on doesn't change who she is and that what really matters is her heart. And yet, here I am going on and on (in my head, mostly) and on about her hair. "But her hair is another thing altogether. That's semi-permanent," I tried to justify my dismay.

So, what I am seeing now is that my heart is just as twisted up in appearances as hers. I care about what other people will say about me as a mom when they see this crazy haircut. I care that other people see her and think my little girl as cute as I think she is.

But none of it matters.

Her hair will grow back. (It's growing right this minute. I keep telling myself this...)

Her clothes will change. (At least ten times a day, in fact.)

The opinions of other people should be last on my list of concerns. What a daily struggle that is!

And only her heart matters. That is what will last forever.

1 Samuel 16:7

The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Weariness

Weariness.

I feel weary. I very often feel this way. I have been thinking about this word in particular for a few months, particularly as I try to understand and raise my three year old daughter. As her personality finds new expression, I am struggling to relate and to find joy in the parts I don't understand.

So, I am weary. I am weary of tantrums. I am weary of repeating myself. I am weary of explaining consequences over and over and over. I am weary of extreme emotional outbursts that seem to have no source. I am weary of feeling like the bad guy. I am weary physically - just plain tired. I am weary of teaching and making lessons out of circumstances and consequences, but seeing no change, not even a little.
And it gets worse.
I am weary of feeling this frustrated with someone who has only been on earth for three years. I am weary of losing my temper, continuing to model bad behavior. I am weary of being weary with someone I love more than I could possibly explain. I am weary of all of the yuck that comes out of me when I am frustrated. I am weary of seeing no change in myself either. I am weary of me. I wish I could unzip my skin and crawl out and be someone else.
What do I do? Where do I go in my weariness? How can I find relief for this feeling before I have let these precious minutes with my beautiful girl pass me by?
And I am not the only one. My weariness is so small compared to others. My friend with pancreatic cancer I am sure feels weary of the daily reality of sickness and pain. My friend who practically raises her children alone because of the financial need for her husband to work out of town for weeks at a time. Several of my friends who long to have a baby and have grown weary of waiting for God to say "yes." Anyone with a sick child may be weary of bad reports, bills, and little hope of a "normal" future with her baby. The weariness goes on.

What is the truth about weariness?
Let's look at a few places where God speaks about this feeling.

Psalm 119:28 My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.

The psalmist knew weariness too, but he offers a place of refuge, a place to find strength - the Word of the Lord. He gives us an example to follow. He seeks the Lord and he ASKS for this refuge, for renewed strength. We need to ask. Also, we see the source of this strength is the Word, so let us see what else the Word can do to help us in this state.

Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Wow. Now here is something I can use! Isaiah says that the Lord does not experience weariness. His patience, endurance, and forbearance can never run out. He is that big. That means He has the power to help me in my weariness - His strength is endless.

What does He do for the weary? He gives strength to them (v.29)! And that's what I need! He does not chastise me for feeling this way, but He empowers me NOT to feel this way by giving me His strength to handle my struggle.

Is the Lord surprised that we feel this way? No, He knows that even young people wear out. Our resources are finite, and He knows it. His resources are limitless. So, what do we do then? We can't hide, we can't restore ourselves when we are spent, and there is no mention of pulling up our own bootstraps. Where is our hope? It's not in ourselves.
If our hope is in the Lord, then we will recover from weariness and be strengthened again for the battle. He takes care of us. He doesn't say that He will remove us from situations that cause us to be weary. He does say that He will equip us for meeting the demands of the situation. Can you imagine soaring over your struggle? Running through the storm without collapsing? We may grow weary, but we don't have to stay there.

Hope in the LORD.

Jeremiah 31:25

I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.

More promises from God to be our relief. This state of weariness is not permanent.

Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Here are the words of our Savior on this topic. Again, no surprise at our feeling, no condemnation. Just an invitation. And what an invitation - to come to Him and He will provide rest! Isn't that what I want? Rest from my daily struggles, rest from my own broken-down heart? Jesus promises to share, even exchange the burden with us. He takes our burden, our weariness, and truly, our sin, in exchange for His light, easy righteousness. It's not a fair trade. In fact it is quite costly for Him since it cost Him His life, but it is the only way we could partake in the riches of His yoke.

Hebrews 12:3
Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Here we see some of the "why" of Christ's suffering. On top of the need to be made right before God by exchanging our sin for Christ's righteousness, Christ's suffering serves us even more than that. His suffering throughout His life and especially in His death was also for the very purpose of helping us in our weariness. When we focus on Him and the cost He endured, we should be encouraged and emboldened to keep going. Sometimes I think that is all He is asking of us - that we would just keep going, keep it in the road for one more day, and just believe. Because of His perseverance and how He saw His job through to completion, we should find strength to keep going too.

Galatians 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Last, we are encouraged by Paul to keep going as well. He is explaining the principle of sowing and reaping. When we think of this in agrarian terms, we know that 1.) we reap what we sow 2.) we never reap at the same time as we sow 3.) we reap something that is more that what we have sown.
I find this very encouraging for my perseverance. Even though I want to see even just incremental change in myself or in my daughter, some sign of progress, Paul reminds me to keep sowing. Keep sowing and do not grow weary, because the harvest will come later, "at the proper time."

So, how does all of this help me when I feel weary?
I know that when I am placing my hope in the Lord, and not on myself or anything else, then He will provide me the strength to keep going.
I know that Christ has done all that is necessary to bring me to Himself and give me rest, taking my burden of sin and given me His record instead. He welcomes me to come and rest, not come and work and fix it by myself. I don't have to stay in my weariness.
I know that I can keep going, by His Spirit, remembering how He did not fail to persevere in His mission to rescue me.
And I know that when I persevere, He will be faithful to the end.

A Sample Negotiation

By the end of most days, I feel like I have spent more time negotiating than anyone working toward peace in the Middle East. But here is a sample of one:
Evangeline: Mama, I want a popsicle. I want an orange one.
Me: Well, we're about to go take a nap, so we can't have a popsicle right before nap.
Evangeline: Mama, I have a deal for you. I can have one, no two licks of a popsicle, and then you can put it away and save it for me until after nap.
Me: Ok. (How can I argue that?!) (And she lived up to her deal - two licks then handed it to me to save for her.)

Sometimes She Listens

One of the most frustrating things about trying to raise an almost three-year-old is feeling like she never really listens when I am trying to teach her something. She hears what she wants to hear, sure, but any instruction especially regarding behavior or attitude just seems to float right past her.
Recently, I had a glimmer of the mercy of God, specifically, that all of my words are not wasted.
The basic scene: I was completely out of sorts. I had no patience, I had no grace for my child who was pushing every limit she could. And I lost my temper. I knew I was wrong and that I needed to pull it together, so then I was mad that I was mad. I yelled and screamed and honestly scared her. She cried and curled up on the couch quietly while I stomped and huffed around the kitchen trying to calm down.
And then, Evangeline got up and quietly walked into the kitchen with her head tilted downward, and she said, in a sweet, soft, slow voice, "Mama, you shouldn't get upset like that. You shouldn't get angry and lell (yell) like that. Because, you are so sweet and you know," she paused, "God made you and He doesn't want you to be upset like that. He doesn't like it when you get so upset. So, you shouldn't do that."
By now, I am sitting on the couch with her, stunned, and laid low in my shame. She was right. And here she was, speaking truth in my life with grace. All I could say at the time was, "You're right, baby. He doesn't want me to act like that. And I'm sorry."
For once, she did not just respond to my actions, which as I said, were ridiculous and out of line. She did not repay evil with evil. She confronted me with my sin and melted my hard hard with her gentleness. What a reminder for how I need to respond to her when she is frustrated. What a reminder that His mercy can come through the mouth of my toddler, too.